Johann Lament: Sturgeon Must Answer

It’s been one hell of a few weeks in politics! On the morning after the Brexit vote the whole region of Scotland was in utter shock. We had been dragged out of the EU by the SNP after they failed to convince voters in England and Wales to vote remain.

To me it was hardly a surprise. They flat out rejected Sturgeon’s right-wing policies and voted for change. Sturgeon’s campaign of fear had been thoroughly rejected by a decisive margin. Voters in England and Wales had seen the region of Scotland become a one-party state and feared that this would spread south to the better parts of the UK. They feared the SNPs totalitarian policies of free prescriptions and free education being forced upon them against their will. Rightly so, they delivered a resounding Leave vote.

On the Friday morning, just hours after the vote was finalised we began to see the real Sturgeon. Whilst Kezia Dugdale, Ruth Davidson and Wullie Rennie were doing the decent thing and taking some time to reflect on the vote, we saw an outrageous performance of pomp and self-importance from Sturgeon. She had organised a press conference and had invited the world’s media to attend. We were awaiting some good news, perhaps even a change of heart and an admission of defeat. What we saw was Sturgeon parading behind a podium rambling on about how hard done by she was and then amazingly… and I still can’t believe it to this day… she announced she had booked herself a long weekend in Brussels!

It was like watching an episode of the Kardashians but without the fashion sense. I was astonished. Sturgeon booked herself a 1st class ticket to go on a tour of Europe (on expenses no doubt) just at the moment when she should have been standing up for Scotland. Thankfully her tax-payer funded jolly was cut short when Spain refused her entry to the country and deported her back to North Britain.

Thankfully for us Ruth Davidson and Kezia Dugdale were quick to try and allay the fears of ordinary mothers throughout Scotland by letting them know that Westminster is still in complete control and will continue to subsidise our lavish lifestyles north of the border. A welcome intervention.


In the past weeks we have seen the parties in Westminster take control of the situation and have already set out a massive job creation drive. In the past weeks there have been openings for Tory leader, Brexit negotiators and a complete shadow cabinet to name a few. The majority of these jobs will of course have to be outsourced to foreign nationals but at least two of them will go to hard working Brits.

So what’s next for North Britain?

The good news is we have been assured by Michael Gove that there will be no indyref2. This has since been backed up by John McTernan and Blair McDougall. That’s as sure a thing as the value of the pound in your pocket! Great news! It doesn’t stop there. Theresa May has won the Tory leadership race and has already called on a vote to replace Trident as soon as possible in an effort to safeguard up to two million local jobs which rely on it.

So, despite the SNP costing our place in Europe we can rest assured that Westminster is already giving us their full backing. I look forward to watching Mrs. May in action and seeing how she can assist us and the BBC in our ongoing battle against cult Nationalism and a return to the glory days of Great Britain. This truly is a great time to be alive.

Personally I have spent the last few weeks drumming up support for Labour in a push to end the dictatorship of Sturgeon. I have been doing this mainly by creating 200 fake YouGov profiles and filling in surveys. Polls now show that people are leaving Labour at a far slower rate than this time last year. I regard that as a personal and a party victory.

Joanne Lament – Member of the Scottish Regional Parliament

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One thought on “Johann Lament: Sturgeon Must Answer

  1. Indeed, how dare Ms Sturgeon stand up to speak for Scotland’s interests instead of sitting down (after humbly tugging her forelock). Outrageous. Everyone knows Scots should just do as they’re told.

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